Ruth is 10 months and Chandler started CLC!

8-21-24 Our sweet precious Ruthie girl turned 10 months old yesterday and Chandler has had his first full week at CLC. Both events made me so joyful, and also incredibly emotional and sad! I am struggling with some depression this week and it might sound odd but their big milestones break my heart! Ruth is such a beautiful little soul and just looking into her eyes will bring tears to mine. Her little giggle, her silly growl, how she crawls around now so independently, how she loves to copy Chandler and throw herself into the bed pillows and just laugh hysterically. 

This week has been a busy one and yes, I'm looking forward to routine again but the anxiety of all that needs to be done, while trying to entertain 2 babies is very high. While I can truly say that we had a wonderful and fun summer, the end has been challenging. Marilyn passed away on August 6th, we've had multiple trips to and from DFW which is hard with kiddos, Brandon and I have been a little tense lately with so much going on, and we just simply need a break. We said goodbye to Marilyn and I will miss her so much. I will miss our little chats and her jolly happy presence at all the family holidays. It's just a hard season right now. 

Even more difficult is that little Ruthie Girl has officially weaned herself from nursing. It shatters my heart to even type that! It seems cruel that something your soul has grown accustomed to over 10 months can just suddenly end in a few days. I know it is normal and such a good blessing because it means that she is thriving and meeting milestones, but it's also so hard too. In fact, I have felt so down and sad that I just knew something wasn't quite right. It's been a blur too, if I'm being honest: A busy three year old, my own jobs, marriage, home, a baby, trips home, Marilyn passing, all the calls, and just so much, not to mention the 100 degree heat relentlessly showing up every single day. I have felt like I just need to sit down and think or just be, but with so much always going on, it's hard to not feel like I'm just staying above water. The sudden crash of emotions and inability to just get over it made me realize that I was just off. I started reading and paying attention to myself and discovered that I was matching all the symptoms of "Post Weaning Depression." I was checking all the boxes and it made absolute perfect sense to me! The mood swings, the depression, the sadness, the obsessiveness, the intrusive thinking, the severe fatigue, the sadness of her not nursing, the complete loss of appetite, and sudden loss of 5 pounds, and so much more. It has truly been hell. Is it worth it- well absolutely!! I would do it all over again for her but it has been very difficult. I felt better seeing published research and other moms speaking about it. I finally felt like I'm not just making this up but rather my body is really going through some massive changes. The plummet of Oxytocin and Prolactin and then the Estrogen has made my poor mind have the worst swings! But, knowing all this and being able to piece it together on the calendar has brought me a lot of peace. 

A little back history and therapeutic writing here- I had gone to see Marilyn on July 29th-August 1st and took the kiddos to see mom. Brandon had to work but I wanted to go see her while I could before school got started again. While we were there, Chandler started getting sick on Wednesday July 31st and we made it home in time to get him to Pedi on the 2nd, just to find out he had strep throat. While we were in DFW, I remember telling mom on Tuesday, July 30th that Ruthie had not nursed in almost two days and how sad that was to me. Of course I was offering but she was having so much fun playing with Chandler and Oakley, and also enjoying spaghetti, yogurt, and other foods that she was losing interest in my milk. We nursed off and on once we got home, mostly comfort nursed for 5-10 minutes at bedtime... and then less and less depending on what she wanted. She is truly the best baby and just soothes and reaches for her crib. I would try to nurse and hold her but that little girl would arch and try to turn over on me, then reach for her bed- she was just growing up right in front of me! It would turn out that Ruth would get strep too and by Sunday, August 4th, she was just miserable. I called in the morning shift so that I could stay home with her that day and the boys went to church. She gave me the best gift that day- about 4 hours of nursing, rocking, and sleeping on my chest in our rocking chair. I will forever cherish that time and be thankful I was able to comfort her in her time of sickness. It was a beautiful gift in a hard season and I thank the Lord for it! We all ended up getting sick and the week of August 5th was hard. We got a call on Tuesday, August 6th about 5pm that Marilyn had passed away and we were so sad. We knew it was coming but it was still just hard. Brandon left for DFW before us so he could meet with the funeral home and pastor, and then I came up with the kids later that week. We were all over strep by the time we went to DFW but emotions were still high with the funeral approaching, plus traveling with little kids anywhere is just hard. The funeral was on Sunday, August 11th and wee got back to Austin on Monday the 12th. We were trying to get back to a normal routine but now had so much added to our plate- especially Brandon. Grieving, he now had to take on her estate and some of the mess that was left behind. He himself just started a new job in July and was trying to focus on getting settled there, when all of this happened. I was struggling with weaning depression and just feeling overwhelmed. So, yes, it was a very difficult time for us. By August 21st, I was just a mess. I had a three hour phone call with Brittney that Wednesday night and I am so thankful for her. We vented, talked deep marriage and parenting talk, put it all out there, discussed troubles, pains, joys, and just comforted one another. She reassured me so much and I am so thankful for that time with her and how God orchestrated that free three hours for both of us to just talk openly and honestly to one another! The next day, August 22nd, we had Pastor Scott from church come over for about an hour and just pray over us. For peace, parenting alignment, comfort during loss, and just overall support. It's very hard not having any local family so we really are our own village! It was very helpful and we just needed that help and prayer over us; someone to just tell us we're not alone and that it will be okay! Sighs of relief! 

Since then, it's been hard but peace has been upon us and we keep moving forward together! We celebrated our 24 year homecoming anniversary, got all dressed up in our ORIGINAL homecoming clothes, and took lots of pictures with the kids. It was so sweet and such a fun day in a hard season. It was really precious! 

August was hard but we are better for it and praise the Lord for guiding us through it! 

In summary, Ruthie girl and mommy are officially finished nursing. Our last big nursing days together were Wednesday August 21st, when she randomly woke up crying in the middle of the night, which was completely healing after such a long talk with Brittney, and then again a few times throughout that week up until the point where she would just play with my nipple and laugh! Then she started biting and one big bite later, that was it, ha! I knew we were officially done and I could be confident in stopping nursing. That little toot! 

Brandy 

https://europepmc.org/article/med/3279831

https://cupofjo.com/2012/02/20/motherhood-mondays-the-hardest-two-months-of-my-life/

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38300295/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2023/10/19/postweaning-depression-anxiety-new-moms/