Surviving motherhood! Post Partum woes and some Baby Blues in a cold January.

Wow! Does it feel so GREAT to sit down and journal! It's been a few weeks since I've had the time to sit down, think, and let my thoughts flow into this journal and I'm excited to be back on track. Today is January 16th and we are all house bound as Austin/Buda are in a hard freeze. 

Christmas was wonderful with the two babies! We spent 6 days in DFW and although it was hard for Brandon and I being away from home and all our baby things, Chandler loved his time with Lovie and Oakley, and little Ruth and I got some sweet tender moments together while the bigger kids played. As always, I pulled her into bed with me in the early morning hours when she wanted to nurse (about 5am each morning) and it was extra special to wake up like that over Christmas break. She and I had a precious night on Christmas Eve- she was swaddled up and as I was about to lay her in the bassinet next to the bed, I decided to just snuggle her all night! It was the best decision! There was something just magical about waking up together, just she and I, cozied up, her nestled into my chest and her little hands near her face, peaceful, and on Christmas morning. It's one of those sweet memories I'll never forget and I am thankful for it! Chandler slept with Lovie and they had so much fun watching Christmas movies at night. Christmas night he wanted to sleep with daddy so of-course he and Brandon got their cozy time too. It's hard traveling with little ones but I'm thankful for our new memories made and that both our babies had such a great Christmas. 

Being a mom is my absolute favorite role that God has given me! I love it so, so much and cherish it deeply! It is also hard. It's just hard sometimes. January has been rough for me mentally and presented new and raw challenges to navigate. I ended December noticing and admitting that something was just off. I felt off, my joy has been low, my emotions have been sad, and I was not myself anymore. I had been having about 3 weeks of ups and downs, and the downs were really down. When I thought back, I remember Thanksgiving being great and then it seemed to drop from there. That means that Ruthie was about 5-6 weeks old when the darkness hit me. I battled with it silently for about 4 weeks before realizing that I was likely experience classic Postpartum Depression. It was devastating, to say the least, to accept that and even harder to let the words come out of my mouth and tell Brandon. I would have two or three really awful, purely sad days and then the darkness would lift and I'd be feeling better, just in time for it to hit again. When I really took the time and attention to take a look at what I was going through and begin to open up about it, it was obvious. I of-course didn't want to admit that I was going through something so ugly but I'm also not too proud to admit I needed help and wanted to make the needed changes to get my joy back. Of-course I had some joy from day to day but I was not like myself and just the up/down was breaking my heart and so immensely painful to my soul. It actually hurt to feel depressed and wow, were my eyes opened to people who suffer from depression. I talked to Brandon about it and he was absolutely on board with me getting help. I found a Christian counselor who has expertise in postpartum depression and that was a big step in the right direction. I also opened up to my mom, Stephanie, our bible study group, and our Sunday School class. As painful as it is to talk about it and as much as I cry when I do, it is very helpful to be honest and open about my suffering. I've been back to running, which is also helping me, and holding my babies is the best medicine. I'm not sure why God is allowing me to go through such a painful season amidst so, so much joy but He is and I trust Him. There have been days over the past month that I just cried all day. Sad and in despair. Then filled with guilt becuase I have no reason at all to be sad! Beautiful family, perfect and healthy babies, faithful husband, a career, two jobs, beautiful brand new home, and on and on... yet I was/am still just sad. I know it's hormonal and seasonal but the pain is just indescrible when it's at its peak. Now that I've realized and accepted it, I'm very focused on doing the things that are going to help me throuhgh it! In fact, I have made a note card by my vanity that says "Pray, run, go outside, avoid social media, be with Brandon, Chandler, and Ruth" because I know that's where my healing is. 

1-20-21: Today was wonderful! Truly wonderful! I decided we HAD to get out of the house and since Brandon was braving the weather for a cold mountain bike ride, I knew we could get out too. I always want to get out but two car seats, two kiddos in diapers, diaper bags, etc can just be intimidating and cause me to think it's not worth it. Sometimes, it's definitely not worth it but other times it so is! The good times out give me the energy to keep going for it! So, I got the babies ready and we went to good 'ole Wal Mart! I always do grocery pickup for things I need but today I wanted to roam around about and see if they had a decently priced Dutch Oven for my sourdough adventures. The kids did AWESOME! Chandler said he loved Wal-Mart and Ruth was happy in her seat in the shopping cart and just taking it all in. It sounds so silly to say I loved our day at Wal Mart but I truly did! Chandler has taken a liking to Paw Patrol and just had to have the Police Chase and Fire Marshall stuffed animals. I loved getting out and shopping a little instead of doing it online and I was so proud of my babies for their great behavior! Next, we went to the library for an hour of play and Chandler enjoyed it as always. Ruth did great until the end when she was hungry. We made it home just in time to nurse/change/bathe her and Chandler was "so cited" to take his new "babies home." He's been very protective and parental over his new stuffed animals and was so excited and proud to show Brandon when he got home. 

A big positive for today was getting my Vit D level back and to my surprise, it is low! Like really low! it is 29 and normal is 50-75, with anything below 30 being termed deficient. I would have never thought to get my Vit D level checked and I'm in medicine! Makes me extra thankful that God led me to my counselor, Anna, and also that I took her advice to spend the $99 to get it checked even though I honestly didn't want to. I would imagine that it was even lower the past 4 weeks and at the onset of me noticing and admitting that something was very wrong with me because since then, I've been running regularly, taking a new woman's vitamin every day (with Vit D) and trying to get outside as much as I can. Those things would have likely caused some increase over the month so I'm guessing it was well below 29 when my post-partum depression set in. I'm so happy to know that I'm not just crazy or making things up! I'm relieved to know that this isn't my normal self and that it's solvable. 

1-21-23: Happy 3 months to our beautiful daughter! Rudy Tudy, we love you so very much and can't imagine our lives without you. You complete us in a way I never knew was possible. Your mommy and daddy thank God for you and Little Chandler is absolutely obsessed with you. 

I did it! I made my first ever Sourdough loaf and it turned out beautifully! I was very nervous and caught a few little errors I had made along the way, like letting it counter rise too long, using different flours, etc, but in the end, it was very forgiving and did great! I am so thankful to Angie Gillet for being my friend and sending me her starter so that I could embark on this Sourdough journey with her! It's been a lot of learning and just going for it but I love it! It has also been a wonderful gift to help me stay busy and been very helpful for my depression. It gives me something to look forward to and the recipes are endless! I'm so excited to pass this down to my kids one day and love letting little Chandler bake with me. I stayed up late last night getting it in the oven so it would be ready for us to enjoy after church today. Our plans changed just a bit since Ruth had a rough night and woke up at midnight needing mommy love, so I stayed home with the babies and Brandon went to our bible life class to stay caught up and say hi to everyone. When he got home, his fresh sourdough sandwiches were ready to enjoy and that he did! He gave me two big thumbs up and said they were really good! I enjoyed a half sandwich and Chandler loved his bread with butter and jelly. Now, we are all relaxing and enjoying being home. It's still a hard freeze in Austin so although that has been brutal on our activity level and getting outdoors, we've made the best of it and are even more thankful that spring is on the horizon. Two kids inside all day long for days on end is tough but we are doing good. 

Brandy